


The Solemnity of Life and Love

by seolarss



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss of loved ones, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Or Is he?, Requited Unrequited Love, Suicide, chenle and Renjun are brothers btw, everything is sad, jeno is a friendly stranger, renjun is heartbroken, renjun realises his feelings too late, renmin were best friends, they loved each other so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 08:31:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17546198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seolarss/pseuds/seolarss
Summary: Renjun misses everything about Jaemin.





	The Solemnity of Life and Love

**Author's Note:**

> UFCK OYU MINA I CRIED

There’s something missing as Renjun steps out of his apartment in the dead of night.

Oh, right.

Jaemin is gone. He’s been gone for weeks, but Renjun hasn’t left his apartment since the funeral, so it’s a new and foreign feeling to walk out without detecting Jaemin’s hand finding its way into his coat pocket to be protected from the cold. 

_ “I forgot my gloves,”  _ he would alway say. But Renjun never complained.

He feels his throat tighten, but he gulps, refusing to let himself cry. He shakes his head and blinks away any tears forming, hiding his nose in his scarf as he continues. The sound of Renjun’s steps echo in the empty streets, bouncing off the walls of the buildings on either side of him and bouncing back into his ears, leaving them ringing. He shivers as a gust of cold air kisses the back of his neck. 

_ “Hyung, can I stay with you forever?” Jaemin’s voice is quiet and shy as he speaks. _

_ Renjun feels his chest constrict wildly, flooding with warmth. “You can stay with me as long as you want.” _

_ “What if you’re angry with me?” Jaemin asks, and Renjun stops to face him. Jaemin squeezes his hand in the warmth of his coat pocket before pulling away. “What if I’m gone? Will you still keep me in your heart?” _

_ Renjun laughs and pulls Jaemin’s hand back into his pocket, suddenly missing the warmth. “Of course you’ll stay. You’ll never leave.” _

“Stop this Renjun,” he whispers to himself. He clenches his fists and feels his nails dig into his palms in order to keep him grounded. “Stop this right now.”

Every night since Renjun lost him, Jaemin has appeared in his dreams. He was never happy, but never sad, either. He simply existed in this white space in Renjun’s mind, sitting and looking up into his eyes with something closely resembling love. It was so faint, but that look was burned into Renjun’s brain. He feels stupid for not noticing the look when Jaemin was still alive. 

_ “He loves you a lot, you know?” Chenle breaks the silence in their room, rousing Renjun from his half asleep state. _

_ “What? Who?” _

_ “Jaemin,” Chenle clarifies. “Me and the others always talk about you two behind your backs. He looks at you like you’re the most important person in the world,” he snickers. “It’s kind of gross, to be honest.” _

_ Renjun feels himself flush, suddenly much more awake than he was eight seconds ago. “That’s ridiculous, Chenle. Of course Jaemin loves me, he’s my best friend. But it’s not exclusive that he says and does to me.” _

_ “I have not once had Jaemin hold my hand, try to kiss me, or look at me like I’m his whole entire world, but go off, I guess.” _

_ Renjun laughs, but Chenle’s words send a sort of shock down to his toes. Jaemin is his friend. He always has been. Sure, they’ve held hands and slept in the same bed and maybe Renjun dreamt that he kissed Jaemin, but that was only a friend thing. He’d held Donghyuck’s hand too, once.  _

The lamppost above Renjun flickers, tearing him from his thoughts. He stops under it for a moment, wondering how he got to the bridge over the river so quickly. Had so much time passed already? He squints up at the orange light for a moment before closing his eyes, trying to imagine the light as the sun beating warmth onto his face. His mind tries to slip to his memories of his last summer with Jaemin, but he quickly shakes the thought away. Renjun opens his eyes and looks at the light for a moment longer. It flickers again. Sighing, he looks forward to the path down to the river and sets off again. 

His hands yearn for the warmth of someone else’s in his coat pockets. They yearn for Jaemin.

Renjun has to remind himself that he isn’t coming back. In the mornings, he’ll find himself checking his phone for a good morning text or for a picture of Jaemin’s cat lying in his lap, with a message attached where he complains about having to pee, but he doesn’t want to disturb Poncho’s sleep. He wants to badly to laugh at the dumb struggle, and tease him for spoiling his cat so. Now, Poncho is in a shelter, confused and alone, wondering where her father went. 

_ “I want to get a cat,” Jaemin speaks suddenly, lifting his head from Renjun’s shoulder.  _

_ “Hmm?” he hums distractedly, finding it hard to look away from Blue Planet.  _

_ Jaemin huffs, pausing the show. “I said, I want to get a cat.” _

_ Renjun blinks. “A cat? I thought you were more a of dog person,” he reaches for the remote, huffing when Jaemin holds it over his head, out of reach. “Plus, aren’t you, like, broke?” _

_ “I’ve been saving up,” Jaemin wiggles his eyebrows mischievously.  _

_ “And you didn’t think to tell me?!” Renjun rests his hand on his chest in faux offense. “Guess we’re not friends anymore.” _

_ “Asshole!” Jaemin smacks his chest, laughing. “Will you come with me to get Poncho?” _

_ “You’ve already named it.” _

_ “Her. And yes, I have.” _

_ “You’re ridiculous,” Renjun sighs, biting back a dumb smile he knows he’ll only get teased for. “When are we going?” _

_ Jaemin smile is hopeful. “Right now?” _

Something about that particular memory strikes something in Renjun’s chest. His breathing grows shallow, and he finds himself gripping blindly to find a place to sit. He grasps the back of a park bench and collapses on top of it, gasping for air. It was simple moment, yet it breaks Renjun so easily. 

“You good?”

Renjun nearly falls off the bench at the sound of another person’s voice. He looks up through bleary eyes and sees another boy, clearly intoxicated, hovering over him. His eyes are drooping, his hands are shaking, and his face is flushed and dotted with sweat. Renjun nods dumbly, eyeing the stranger above him. 

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” the boy asks, shoving Renjun to the side and plopping down on the bench beside him, leaning his head back. 

“I don’t know y–”

“It makes for a  _ fantastic  _ therapy session, trust me,” the boy slurs, and Renjun finds himself worrying about him. He can’t be older than 18, yet he’s stumbling around half past two in the morning without a care in the world. 

“I don’t know..” he hesitates, and the stranger lifts his head to look him in the eye. His eyes are glossed over, and Renjun wonders if he’ll remember this. 

“You need to cry,” he blurts. “But you won’t allow yourself to. Why is that?”

Renjun feels exposed at the simple truth of the stranger’s statement. They stay silent for a moment, watching each other. A shiver runs down Renjun’s spine.

“I lost my best friend,” he chokes out.

“Your best friend?”

“Boyfriend,” the word feels foreign on Renjun’s tongue, yet it fits more comfortably than the term ‘best friend’. They were never just friends, Jaemin was simply the only one to realise this. 

The boy nods. “I lost my best friend, too,” he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, looking out at the river. “Maybe she was more than that, like yours was. But I never got the chance to find out.”

“How did she die?”

“Oh, she didn’t die,” the stranger laughs. “We just grew apart. Growing up sucks, you know? I thought we’d be friends forever,” he looks at Renjun, and he notices the harsh eyeliner smeared below his eyes. “Did yours die?”

Renjun’s throat constricts. “Yeah.”

“It wasn’t an accident that he died, was it?”

Renjun stands up suddenly, clearing his throat. “You know, it’s late. My brother is probably worried about me.”

“Please stay,” the vulnerability in the boy’s voice makes Renjun freeze in place. “Please.”

Slowly, he turns around, and sees his face in the light of the lampposts. His eyes are swollen, and the blotchiness in his skin isn’t from any sort of alcohol. His eyes and nose have been rubbed dry from his attempts to hide any evidence of his tears. He may be a bit drunk, but he’s more broken than anything.

“Keep telling me about your friend,” he requests with a sad smile. “I want to know more.”

Slowly, Renjun takes a seat again. He’s quiet for a moment, not sure of what exactly he wants to say. Jaemin was never a person one could easily describe. He had the biggest personality of anyone Renjun knew; he wasn’t a short story.

“He had this unique laugh,” he begins, looking out at the water. “It started out quiet, like a giggle, but the longer it went on, the louder it got. He never half-assed a laugh. He either laughed until he was out of breath or he didn’t laugh at all. Of course, if it was late and we were lying in bed and he didn’t want to wake anyone up, I would have to cover his mouth, because he could not contain himself. He was like a ticking time bomb with that laugh,” Renjun takes a deep breath. 

“He dyed his hair a lot, too. Once, he dyed his hair pink, but two weeks later it was orange. It was like he couldn’t choose, or he got bored quickly. I always expected his hair to feel really dry and over-bleached, but every time I’d reach to play with it or move it out of his eyes, it was softer than anything. His hair was the softest, silkiest thing I’d ever touched.”

“The last time we were together,” Renjun can feel emotion bubbling up and causing his throat to tighten. “We walked to this same place and talked for hours. It was freezing cold, and all he wore was a sweater. He shook like a leaf with every gust of wind until he eventually wrapped himself in my jacket, while I was still wearing it. He was practically in my lap,” he laughs and sucks in a shaky breath. He lets the first tear fall when he blinks. “He said some things that I should have taken so much more seriously in the moment. I feel like such an idiot for not thinking about it. But he was laughing and he looked happy on the outside, so I didn’t worry. The more I think about it, he looked  _ so  _ tired.”

“I didn’t cry when I found him,” Renjun tugs his hair harshly. “How fucked up is that? I found my best friend dead and there wasn’t a single tear. Not even at the funeral. There must be something wrong with me.”

“You’re crying now,” the stranger speaks up for the first time in a while. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not crying for a while. It can be really hard to believe that someone you love so dearly is gone, so your body simply refuses to react,” he scoots closer to Renjun. “It has nothing to do with you and your so-called lack of emotion.”

Renjun shudders at the closeness between them. He hadn’t allowed anyone near him since the service. Everyone hugged him, held his hands, and touched his face too much then. To him, it felt as if they were trying to replace Jaemin with themselves, as a failed attempt at comfort. The only overwhelmed him more, and in turn, he hasn’t let his parents, Chenle, or any of his friends touch him since. The stranger seems to sense his discomfort, and shifts away.

“Love is a difficult thing to master,” he begins. “I’ll bet that even Casanova got confused sometimes. Falling in love with your best friend is on this different plan of perplexing, and realising too late only makes it harder to wrap your head around,” he pauses, pulls out a travel pack of tissues, and hands them to Renjun. “You were in love with him, weren’t you?”

Renjun doesn’t answer. 

“Yes, you were, in case you weren’t positive,” he laughs, but quickly becomes serious again. “I’m sure he knew, and I’m sure he knows even now.”

Renjun dabs his eyes and blows his nose. “I wish I could have told him.”

“You still can!” The stranger waves his arms wildly, as if it’s obvious. “Losing someone isn’t the end. You have photos and videos, but most importantly, you have his memories. Undocumented moments with him. You have gifts that he’s given you, and notes he’s scribbled in the corner of your notebook. You can still talk to him. Write him letters, think aloud, go visit him. Stay with him, and he’ll stay with you.”

Renjun lets his tears fall freely. As he covers his face with his hands and hides behind his scarf, he smells Jaemin’s cologne on it and remembers, he was the last person to wear it. He wonders for a moment if he ever hid his nose in it and caught Renjun’s own cologne on it, and felt his heart swell. He imagines it, and his own heart breaks. He feels a hand on his shoulder and jumps, jerking away from the sensation. 

“Sorry,” the stranger’s voice is soft as he speaks. “Let’s get you home, shall we? You’ll get sick if you’re put here for much longer. I’m sure your family is worried sick.”

Renjun nods, and stands up shakily. He keeps his eyes glued to the ground as he attempts to calm his breathing. His eyes sting. “You aren’t going to drag me into a dark alley and kill me, are you?”

The stranger laughs. “It’s almost four o’clock, and no one’s around. If I wanted to kill you I would have done it already and thrown your body into the river,” Renjun chokes. “Sorry.”

They begin to walk, Renjun leading the way, while the stranger acts as some sort of protection. But as he said, no one is around. He does his job exceptionally. The walk is quiet, with the occasional sniffle coming from Renjun. He realises somewhere along the way that he doesn’t know the stranger’s name.

They reach Renjun’s apartment as the sky is beginning to lighten at the horizon. He walks up the steps to the entrance, and the stranger stays at the bottom. He gets out his keys to unlock the door, but stops, and turns back to look down at him.

“Who are you?” he asks. 

The boy smiles. “My name’s Jeno.”

Renjun nearly drops his keys. He stares down at the boy at the bottom of the steps in shock, feeling his heart rate accelerate dangerously. Where has he heard that name before? When he doesn’t say anything, the boy takes a step back, taking his hand out of his pocket to wave. 

“I’ll be off now,” he says. “Thank you, Renjun.”

“How did you-” he begins, but Jeno has already started off in the opposite direction, disappearing into the shadows. 

Renjun’s heart pounds loudly in his ears. He stays there for a moment, attempting to process what he just experienced. Before he can regain his composure, the door swings open, and he’s engulfed in a tight hug.

“Where have you been?” His mother sobs into his shoulder. “We’ve been waiting for hours! We thought, maybe..”

Renjun pulls her back, looking into her tear-filled eyes. He feels a wave of calm wash over him, and allows himself to smile. His mother freezes, her eyes wide as she looks at his eyes begin to shine. 

“I feel good, mom.”

And he did. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If it isn’t clear, Jeno was a friend of Jaemin’s as well, and that’s how Jeno knew who Renjun was. The two had simply never met


End file.
